A military-style bagpipe and drum band from Annville, Lebanon County, in south-central Pennsylvania

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Oldies and sometimes goodies of Scottish humor - credits to many sources

At a solemn memorial service for a pipe band drummer, the piper approached the casket preparing to play.   Just as he blew up his bag and prepared to strike in, the funeral director rushed up to the casket, hands in air, crying "stop, stop".  The funeral director then gently closed the casket and, turning to the astonished piper, said "now you can play.  The drummer gave specific instructions that the casket lid had to be closed before you started."

A Scotsman with a wee tendency to sip the breath of the heather sat down to rest beside a tree on the way home from his pub in the evening.  Two young lasses walked by later in the evening and seeing the Scotsman sound asleep got to discussing what it is that Scotsmen wear under their kilts.  They decided that there would never be a better time to find out.  The one lass took a ribbon from her hair and tied it at a strategic location.  The next morning the Scotsman awakened and walked behind a tree to take care of nature.  When he looked down he was astounded to see the ribbon.  He burst out "Laddie, I dinna know where you were last night, but I'm proud to see that you won the blue ribbon."

And, on that ages old question of what is under the kilt, some alternatives are...

• Confidence

• Nothing is worn under the kilt, it is all in working order

• Shoes and stockings

A Scotsman is working at a sewerage. It's a warm day, so he takes off his jacket and drapes it over a handrail - where it slips off into a vast tank.
He's just about to dive in when his mate shouts "It's nae guid tae do that, the jacket's ruined"
He replies "Aye, ah ken, but ma sandwiches are in the pocket"

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands and gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.
Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand
on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first
three pennies?"

Jock and a Englishman were flying from Edinburgh when the stewardess approached. "May I get you something?" she asked. "Aye, a whusky" Jock replied.
She poured him a drink then asked the Englishman if he'd like one. "Never!" he said sternly. "I'd rather be raped and ravished by wild women all the way to America than drink whisky!"
Jock  hurriedly passed the drink back, saying "Och, Ah didna ken there wuz a choice!"

Jock was traveling by train seated next to a stern-faced
clergyman. As Jock pulled out a bottle of whisky from his pocket the clergyman glared and said reprovingly, "Look here, I am sixty-five and I have never tasted whisky in my life!"
"Dinna worry, Minister," smiled  Jock, pouring himself a dram.
"There's no risk of you starting now!"

A  very popular Scotsman died in Glasgow and his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once so she goes to the newspaper and says
"I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband" The man at the desk says "OK, how much money dae ye have?"
The old woman replies "£5" to which the man says "You wont get many words for that but write something and we'll see if it's ok" so the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter and the man reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid, deid"
He feels guilty at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more things. The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hand the paper over the counter again. The man then reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid deid. Ford Escort for sale"

Sandy was drinking at a pub all night. When he got up to leave, he fell flat on his face. He tried to stand again, but to no avail, falling flat on his face. He decided to crawl outside and get some fresh air to see whether that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and, sure enough, fell flat on his face. So, being a practical Scot, he crawled all the way home.
When he got to the door, he stood up yet again, but fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door into his bedroom. When he reached his bed, he tried once more to stand upright. This time he managed to pull himself to his feet but fell into bed. He was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He woke the next morning to his wife shaking him and shouting, "So, ye've been oot drinkin' as usual!"

"Why would ye say that?" he complained innocently.
"Because the pub called an' ye left yer wheelchair there again!"

A woman is looking to re-enter the work force, now that her kids are all grown up. But before applying anywhere she goes tae the doctors' fae a wee physical before takin' oan a new joab. When she returns her hubby notices she's just bustin' wi' pride and all chuffed.

So he said; "What's all this about?"

She said, "I've just been tae the doctors' and  he said I've got the body of a twenty year old, and the heart of a 16 year old".

To which her hubby fired back..."What about your 50 year old ass?"
"Your name never came up." She replied.

Irate English golfer, on his way to a round of 150 at a Scottish links: "You must be the worst caddie in the world!"
Scottish caddie (dryly): "That would be too much of a coincidence, sir."

An American was going for a job interview in the Scottish countryside and on the way out he asked a local farmer for directions:
“Excuse me dude could you possibly tell me the quickest way to London?”
The farmer said: “You driving or walking, lad?”
The American replied: “Driving.”
The farmer nodded, saying:
“Aye, definitely the quickest way”

A Scottish shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new Range Rover advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a Hermes tie leaned out of the window and asked the shepherd...

'If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you let me have one?' The shepherd looks at the young man, then at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers 'Aye!'

The yuppie parks the car, whips out his notebook, connects it to mobile phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet where he calls up a satellite navigation system, scans the area, opens up a database and some 30 Excel spreadsheets with complex formulae. Finally he prints out a 10 page report on his hi-tech miniaturized printer, turns to the shepherd and says 'You have exactly 1586 sheep here!'

That's right said the shepherd, and as agreed, you can take one of the sheep. He

watches as the young man makes a selection and bundles it in his Range Rover.

Then he says 'If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me my sheep back?' 'OK - why not?' answers the young man. 'You are a consultant' says the shepherd. 'That's right' says the yuppie 'How did you guess?' 'Easy' answers the shepherd. 'You turn up here although nobody called you...you want to be paid for the answer to a question when I already knew the answer...and you don't know a damned thing about my business. That's obvious. Now give me back my dog.'

An elderly Scotsman came to the U.S. to visit his son. While here, he became very sick and was rushed to the hospital. His son asked him, "Father, is there anything you would like to have?" "Aye," replied his father, "I would like to 'ear the music of me 'omeland." So the son went out, rented a bagpiper, took him to the hospital and for several hours played the droaning Scottish music so well known by the elderly Scotsman. Suddenly the old man got up, got dressed, and walked out of the hospital a well man. The only problem was that all of the other patients in the hospital died.

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